This was on another forum, hiliarous.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we
try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you
who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the...
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure
pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes
an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of
the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to
alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in,
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell
tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and streaks. Avoid
a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each
particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN
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the women at work need to take this advice! damn their nasty!:p 
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