Mowing and beer

[u1arunit]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer
and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she
came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam from
my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly
into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

[J-rod]

[scott5]

[shawnsvtcobra]

[Viper_ed]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
>dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the
>wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as
>he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view
>mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
>blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
>
>Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled
>over to await the trooper's arrival.
>
>Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
>watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you
>can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
>
>The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a
>Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
>
>"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

[u1arunit]

LOL! Good one Ed.

[weareweird69]

LOL Good one! (two actually)

[Smallville]

SCS Comedy Hour???????????????????????? Thanx for the laughs!

[INSANELY CRAZY]

both good ones... lol lmao

[Viper_ed]

Hello,
My name be Eboneesha,an African-American girl who just got an award for
being the best speler in class. The white dude who sit next to me is
McGee. He got a 94% on the test but no extra points on account of he have
the same Skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago. I got 67% on the
speling test and 30 points for being black, 5 points for not bring ing
drugs into class, 5 points for not bringing guns into class, and 5 points
for not getting Pregnut during the cemester. It hard to beat a score of
120%. Granny ax me to thank all Liberals for suporting Afermative action.
You showing the way to true equality.
I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor.

Yo fren, Eboneesha

[PaxtonShelby]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"



The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

[One Sweet Day]

BLOND GETS A CELL PHONE

A blonde's husband buys her a cell phone for her birthday. She is so excited she heads out to go shopping. Curious whether the phone works well, he calls his wife. She answers the phone and he asks her if she can hear him clearly. She replies, Yes, but how did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

GRAMMAR LESSON One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael."My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said."Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ****ing beautiful!'"

[PaxtonShelby]

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

***

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

***

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build that house. Maybe you can learn some neat things." Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did you learn anything interesting today?" his mother asks. "I learned how to hang a door," Johnny replies. Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?" "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a **** hair off here and a **** hair off there and put the damn thing up." Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!" Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today." "All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door." "Why don't you tell me," Dad asks. "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a **** hair off here and a **** hair off there and put the damn thing up". Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard." Johnny looks at his dad and says, "screw you, that's the electrician's job!"