you know I can't resist this one....here are a few for you guys.....
WATCH YOUR BACK A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"
The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things."
Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"
After a few moments, the dancer did another move and snatched off her dress revealing a very thin G-string. Again' the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"
Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the **** up, will ya!"
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string. The whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend.
Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"?
The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."
BE NICE TO YOUR WIFE The funeral parlor called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such seen such a big pecker.
Well", she said, "Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it up his ass".
The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek. She leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I told you it hurt, you old ****er."
A NEW ATM MACHINE
The other day, my wife and her friends went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of them, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, her friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of them, the third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. My wife was worried about the way things were going, but her friend licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My wife's relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to her! Now everyone's attention was focused on her and the guy was egging her on to try and top the $50. Her brain was churning as she reached for her purse.
What could she do? She got out my her ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.
SORRY, NO COOKIES The government did a survey on the nations greatest psychologists to see exactly how good they were. They were each given 200 drug addicts, 1 sheet of paper, and a pencil. After a few hours they were called back in and asked how they did. Many had made no progress when one stood up and stated he had gotten 50 to stop drugs immediately. In disbelief he was asked how.
Simple he stated, on one side of the paper I drew a circle and said this is your brain. On the other side I drew a very small circle and said this is your brain on drugs. Immediately 50 stopped using drugs.
At this time another psychologist stood up and said that's nothing, I got all 200 of my addicts to drop their habits immediately.
Then he was asked how.
Simple he said, on one side of the paper I drew a circle and said this is your brain. Then on the other side I drew a really big circle and said this is YOUR ASSHOLE when you go to prison.
VULGAR BANK CUSTOMER A man walks into a bank and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."
"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."
"Well excuse me, but this ****in' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."
"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse", she says.
"Well then let's get the ****in' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"
The manager is summoned and says, "What seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man says, "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake, is deposit this ****in' check for 15 million dollars."
The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says, "And this ****in' bitch won't help you?"
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and **** your little red socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mom, I've got it covered."
So, she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and **** your little red socks off"
So, she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys, got it covered!"
As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and **** your little red socks off."
She lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, laid down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him, and said... "NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."
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Originally Posted by wick
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