Funny Jokes, post em up!

[no1fordgirl]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a
baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
commands.

When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the
patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down
Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was
hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and
cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of
the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started
booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a
soda and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned,
there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world
happened?"

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine
until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

[no1fordgirl]

Before Marriage:


He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get!

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!


AFTER MARRIAGE: Read again from bottom to top!

[no1fordgirl]

Here's a few comments on Marriage

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
_______________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.

__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

__________

Then there was a woman, who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'

__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say...
talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

__________

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man,
to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

[no1fordgirl]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says 'I've had enough of this'.
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

The blonde says 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it'!

[no1fordgirl]

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

[no1fordgirl]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a Great Chest you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive Calves you have!'

He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that .

The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!!!!!!!

[no1fordgirl]

A guy asked a girl "Have you ever had magic sex?" She replied "No, how do you do that?" He replied, "We f**k & you disappear!"


Beer $10.
Condoms $2.75.
Finding out she swallows & has no gag reflex PRICELESS.
f**k Mastercard... It pays to Discover!

Definition of a nervous wreck:
A man who has a house payment, a truck payment, a wife & a girlfriend...And THEY'RE ALL A MONTH LATE!!



I'm done for now.. I think LOL

Enjoy!!

[One Sweet Day]

Damn Tammy, settle down girl!


my joke:

BOB AND THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a
story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20
bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the
ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the
5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...

[no1fordgirl]

I love jokes.. always love a good laugh. We have a joke thread on another site too and its like 14 pages long :p I was just trying to help this site a little bit lol

[One Sweet Day]

let me guess, you have 10 of the 14 pages.

[J-rod]

a man, his wife, and their 14 kids are waiting on the bus when a blind man walks up.

after waiting a while the bus arrives but only has room for the woman and her 14 kids

the man and blind man decide they will walk and allow the kids and woman on the bus.


after a couple miles the man is irritated at the ticking from the blind mans stick, so he says
" cant you put some rubber on the end of your stick?!!"

blind man replies:
" shut the hell up! if you had put a rubber on the end of your stick we'd be riding the bus right now!!"


:)

[no1fordgirl]

let me guess, you have 10 of the 14 pages.

Not quite, but I do contribute alot LOL

[no1fordgirl]

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.
Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,

"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

[no1fordgirl]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs either!

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?

"No, I don't", I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have a lot of sex?"

"No", I said.

He looked at me and said.... "Then why do you even give a shit ....."

[no1fordgirl]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old were upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old, "I think it's time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks in the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast he replies, "Aw Hell, mom I just think I'll have some Cheerios"

WHACK!! He flies off his chair, tumbles across the floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "you can stay there till I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old, and with a stern voice asks, "and what do you want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[no1fordgirl]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'


She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[no1fordgirl]

Joe wants to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in

the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table,

and has his way with her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the F@*$n' dishes!"

[INSANELY CRAZY]

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back, same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon
for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free"
She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked Up at the sky and said, "Where"?

They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One
day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

[One Sweet Day]

lol. those are good rob.

[65 Fastback]

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"