Funny Jokes, post em up!

**INSANELY CRAZY** · 03-10-2008, 03:28 PM

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When The postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

**blackfive-o** · 03-10-2008, 08:25 PM

An old black lady, just reaching menopause, goes to the drug store.
"I am so confused, I have my period and there are mini pads, maxi pads, this and that!. I don't know what to buy!".
The druggist say "It depends on the flow, what kind of flow do you have?".
Black lady "Linoleum!"

**blackfive-o** · 03-10-2008, 08:28 PM

Two blonds are sitting out at night, looking at the moon. One blonde says to the other "What do you think is closer, the moon or Florida?". The other blonde replies "Duuuhhh, can you see Florida from here?"

**no1fordgirl** · 03-10-2008, 10:06 PM

Funny!! Thanks for posting :)

**no1fordgirl** · 03-10-2008, 11:34 PM

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window.

Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building.

Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that.

He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.

Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real prick when you're drunk!"

**no1fordgirl** · 03-11-2008, 09:39 PM

These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

He says "to tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

**scott5** · 03-13-2008, 11:09 AM

A guy and his wife have sex for 5 years in the dark and after the five years she finally figures out he has been using a toy the whole time so the wife says "what up with the toy fool" and the husband says "whats up with the kids B****"

**2001GTTT** · 03-13-2008, 08:39 PM

Originally Posted by scott5

A guy and his wife have sex for 5 years in the dark and after the five years she finally figures out he has been using a toy the whole time so the wife says "what up with the toy fool" and the husband says "whats up with the kids B****"

i died when i read this, because on the radio today they were telling this story that happened to a woman. She and her husband had been married for 7 years and had two kids, one through artificial insemination and the other one either adopted or something. anyway, her husband always made her have sex with him in the dark. she was cool with that but started to wonder why, and she finds out the her "husband" is actually a woman that had undergone a sex change operation. How f'in creepy/sick is that? She immediately divorced and is trying to get the marriage voided......Its name was Phyllis Ann before, and its andrew now...hahahaha.

**One Sweet Day** · 03-13-2008, 08:55 PM

Originally Posted by 2001GTTT

i died when i read this, because on the radio today they were telling this story that happened to a woman. She and her husband had been married for 7 years and had two kids, one through artificial insemination and the other one either adopted or something. anyway, her husband always made her have sex with him in the dark. she was cool with that but started to wonder why, and she finds out the her "husband" is actually a woman that had undergone a sex change operation. How f'in creepy/sick is that? She immediately divorced and is trying to get the marriage voided......Its name was Phyllis Ann before, and its andrew now...hahahaha.

thats just nasty.

**no1fordgirl** · 03-13-2008, 10:55 PM

People just want attention brought on themselves.. lol

**no1fordgirl** · 03-15-2008, 10:57 PM

Wrong, but funny!

**no1fordgirl** · 03-15-2008, 10:58 PM

Durrr!!!

**Cam99** · 03-16-2008, 09:52 PM

A university did a study on why men enjoy recieving oral sex. The polled 100 men and the results were
10% said they enjoyed it because of the intimate connection they felt

15% said they enjoyed it because of the dominate feeling it gave them

the other 75% said they just liked the 5 minutes of quiet:D

**One Sweet Day** · 03-16-2008, 09:55 PM

Originally Posted by Cam99

A university did a study on why men enjoy recieving oral sex. The polled 100 men and the results were
10% said they enjoyed it because of the intimate connection they felt

15% said they enjoyed it because of the dominate feeling it gave them

the other 75% said they just liked the 5 minutes of quiet:D

grrr.....

**One Sweet Day** · 04-12-2008, 03:46 AM

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!" And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said
"Dick, ten-HUT!" and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was "Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing!?" she asked.

The guy says... "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

**John4cam** · 04-17-2008, 05:50 PM

Whats a nun and PEN-DOT have in common?

They dont do Di**

**no1fordgirl** · 05-20-2008, 10:48 PM

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss
would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So,
that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and
asked, "What in the name of good God are you doing? "
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "..And where do you think you're going?!"
(You're gonna love this....)
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."

**Troll** · 05-20-2008, 11:27 PM

Recently, someone ask me to run in a marathon.

I was like..... NAAAHHHHH!

They said, "C'mon it's for handicapped and blind kids."

Then I was like.....

FVCK, I could win this.

**blackfive-o** · 05-21-2008, 06:14 PM

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street at just about dark. They spy a young boy in the park by himself.
Priest: "Let's go f*** him!"
Rabbi: "Outta what?"

I'm sorry if this offends anyone.

**no1fordgirl** · 05-21-2008, 09:51 PM

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221!