Funny Jokes, post em up!

[no1fordgirl]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

"Just where the heck do you think you're going?" said the man.

"Im going to LasVegas", said the wife, "I just found out I can get $400.00 a night for what I give you for free!"

The man said, "Wait a minute!" and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcase in hand.

"Where the heck are you going?" said the wife

The man said, "I want to see how you're gonna live on $800.00 a year!"

[no1fordgirl]

Jimmy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks Jimmy, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Jimmy replied, "Judging from your skin, 22; your hair, 23; and your figure, 18."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Jimmy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety! "Jimmy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!"

[no1fordgirl]

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love
doing that?'

She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

[no1fordgirl]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the Receptionist was an unfriendly woman with the personality of a pit bull. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied.........

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

[no1fordgirl]

A guy asks a beautiful girl "Can I buy you a drink?"
"No thanks. Alcohol is bad for my legs" said the girl.
"Oh?! Do they swell?" asked the guy.
"No", replied the girl, "They spread!!"

[billyNOTnice]

what do you call a thousand lawyers buried up to their necks in sand -- not enough sand.

pool hall junkies.... one of my favorite movies

[no1fordgirl]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[no1fordgirl]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....


************************************************** *******
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started........

[no1fordgirl]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him. . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll think about it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new Mustang!'

'Is that so?' With an attitude, he asked 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

[no1fordgirl]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ' Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'

She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.

St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.'

St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Reeva, What seems to be the rush?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.'

[CobraII]

For the critter lovers... :D

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..

[CobraII]

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, as Grandma didn't know her occupation. Grandma stopped to say hi and asked what the line was for.
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, 'How the heck do you do this at your age?'
She said, 'I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry!' The policeman fainted.

[CobraII]

No Sex since 1955


A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally
the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need
to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led
him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several
times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)

[Troll]

If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.

[no1fordgirl]

^

Good ones Cobra ;)

[Troll]

So, Thor (a Greek God) was flying around in the heavens one day and he runs into his old man, Zeus. They start BS-ing and Thor says, "You know what dad, I've never had sex with a mortal woman." Zeus says, "Well, you're a Greek God, just fly down to Earth, pick one out and have sex with her." So Thor does just what his old man tells him. A few days later, Zeus sees Thor and he asks him if he ever hooked up with the Earthly woman. Thor says, "Hell yeah, it was great, we had sex for 48 hours straight." Zeus says, "Oh my, I guess I should have told you that mortal women cannot handle having sex with a God for 48 hours. You need to fly back down to Earth, find that woman and apologize IMMEDIATELY."

So, Thor floats down to Earth and finds his lady friend. He says, "I need to apologize to you. First of all, let me explain. I'm Thor..."

At this point the woman interrupts him and screams, "YOU'RE THOR?!?!, I CAN'T EVEN PITH!!!"

[2001GTTT]

haha nice one adam

[CobraII]

On his 60th birthday, A man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working? "

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

[CobraII]

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'

[no1fordgirl]