Funny Jokes, post em up!

[Mater]

A young man named John received a parrot as A gift. The parrot had a
Bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
Bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John
Tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
Polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
To 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
Yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and
Even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
In the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
Screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not A Peep, was heard
For over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to
The Freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
And said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
Actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
Fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
Unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
Ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
Behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[no1sirbutler]

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked, "Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots one. How many are left?" "None," he says "if ones shot the others would fly away."

"Actually", said the teacher "the answer was two, but I like the way you think."

The next day Johnny walks over to his teacher in the cafeteria and asks, "Do you see those three women over there on the bench? Which one isn't married, the one eating the cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?"

"Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?", the teacher asks" "Actually" said Timmy " it was the one without a wedding ring, but I like the way you think".

[Troll]

Did you guys/gals hear that actress killed herself???


Her name is Reece something...


I just can't think of it???

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Witherspoon???



NO




With her gun, dumbasses.

[no1fordgirl]

[INSANELY CRAZY]

eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute,hot girl in his office,but was she was dating someone else.one day eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said "i'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you,the girl looked at him and said NO! eddie said "i'll be really fast, i'll throw the money on the floor,you bend down and ill be finished by the time your done picking it up".she thought for a moment and said she would talk with her boyfriend,she called him and told him everything they talked about he said ask for $200 then bend over and pick it up before he even gets his pants down. she told eddie she would do it,so a half hour goes by and she hasent called her boyfriend,finally after 45 minutes he calls her and asked what happened, still breathing hard she managed to say "the f**ker had all quarters"...........

hahahahahahahahaaaa

[One Sweet Day]

lmao. thats funny.

[no1fordgirl]

Lmao

[Martin0660]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said,

"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: '**** the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".

[2001GTTT]

haha nice bob

[Mater]

lol!!

[CobraII]

'Tis the season....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

[Troll]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that be livable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[2001GTTT]

that was a good one troll

[blackfive-o]

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided
to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front
row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're
having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

[97LaserRed]

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided
to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front
row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're
having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

hahahaha thats a good one lol

[no1fordgirl]

Funny!!

[blizzard]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[INSANELY CRAZY]

how can you tell the tooth brush was invented in WV????









cause if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called teeth brush.

hahahahahahahahaaa

[2001GTTT]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

HAHA nice!

[MBH]

how can you tell the tooth brush was invented in WV????









cause if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called teeth brush.

hahahahahahahahaaa

so many good jokes in the thread!