Funny Jokes, post em up!

[85stang]

uuummmmmmm...the doublemint twins!

[blizzard]

A husband calls out to his wife from the den, "Hey honey, come here and look at my clock!" She comes running in and finds him sitting there with a hard-on. She says, "Thats not a clock", he says, "it will be once you add two hands and a face!"

[Chargin2004GT]

Old 80 yr old white man and a 20 yr old white woman are having a baby...

In the delivery room the nurse asks the woman who the father is, she point at the old man.

Nurse asks the old man, how did you do it being so old?

Old man replys, you gotta keep the old motor running...

Year later they are back again having another baby.

Nurse asks the old man again, how did you do it?

He replys again, you gotta keep the old motor running...

Again another year later here comes another baby..

Nurse asks how did you do it?

Old man replys, I TOLD YOU YOU HAFTA KEEP THE OLD MOTOR RUNNING!!!

Nurse replys back, Well you better change the oil this one is black...

[INSANELY CRAZY]

a blondes neighbor walks over to her appt and sees her crying, lady asked her whats wrong? she says my mom just died. she got her coffee and chatted with her awhile to calm her down. she was fine a few hours later. the next day neighbor here's the blonde crying again so she went over and says whats wrong today that your crying? blonde responds i just got off the phone with my sister and her mom just died also.

hahahahahaha

[no1fordgirl]

Lmao

[Wolfpack Speed]

Didn't read through the thread, so I'm not sure if this one has been posted...

What do women and spaghetti have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them!!!

[Troll]

funny thing about this, my boss just told the guy at a Mexican restaurant "tenjooberrymuds" and he knew what he said. hahahaha

enjoy:
-----------------------------------------------------------

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
“TENJOOBERRYMUDS”…

With a little patience, you’ll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes…

The following is a telephone exchange between you as a hotel guest and
room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today……

Room Service : “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”

Guest : “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”

Room Service: ” Rye. Roon sirbees…morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???”

Guest: “Uh….. Yes, I’d like to order bacon and eggs.”

Room Service: “Ow July den?”

Guest: “…..What??”

Room Service: “Ow July den?!?… pryed, boyud, poochd?”

Guest: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please.”

Room Service: “Ow July dee baykem? Crease?”

Guest: “Crisp will be fine.”

Room Service: “Hokay. An Sahn toes?”

Guest: “What?”

Room Service: “An toes. July Sahn toes?”

Guest: “I… don’t think so.”

Room Service: “No? Judo wan sahn toes???”

Guest: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan
sahn toes’ means.”

Room Service: “Toes! Toes!…Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin
we bodder?”

Guest: “Oh, English muffin!!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘toast’…
Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”

Room Service: “We bodder?”

Guest: “No, just put the bodder on the side.”

Room Service: “Wad?!?”

Guest: “I mean butter… just put the butter on the side.”

Room Service: “Copy?”

Guest: “Excuse me?”

Room Service: “Copy…tea..meel?”

Guest: “Yes. Coffee, please… and that’s everything.”

Room Service: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy … rye??”

Guest: “Whatever you say.”

Room Service: “Tenjooberrymuds.”

Guest: “You’re welcome”

Remember I said “By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
‘TENJOOBERRYMUDS’ “…..and you do, don’t you!

[no1fordgirl]

lmfao

that was hard to read, but funny!

[CobraII]

What do you get when you combine GPS with PMS?

A crazy b itch that will find you anywhere!

[blizzard]

maybe repost?

The best engine in the world.......
is the v@gina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so f**king temperamental.

[pRojekt02GT]

maybe repost?

The best engine in the world.......
is the v@gina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so f**king temperamental.

ROFL!!!

[Troll]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!

[Mater]

[Troll]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.

The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper' s temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"

The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"

[Troll]

After the president has been in office for 6 months it is customary
for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was
somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said
was: 370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former
president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it .
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They
called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and
they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They
both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the oval office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the
note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were
called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone
and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

Bush chuckled and replied: Dude .....You're holding it upside down .

[no1fordgirl]

[oldfox]

you might be a red neck if you have a 3 legged pig no refrigerator and your wife likes ham

you might be a red neck if you truck has more lights than your trailer

you be a red neck if you turned a good paying job from p-body coal company because your bar has a sine that says no minors

if you have matching ash trays that say 9lives on them and the matching coasters have pull tabs.

if you need a 4x4 truck to check the mail in the winter

[CobraII]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[CobraII]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"No!!!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate."

[Shorty429]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

---------------------------------------------

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

He Got an A+ By The Way...