Funny Jokes, post em up!

[cwh19]

that is amazing

[no1fordgirl]

lol good stuff

[KeystoneJohnny]

Get this I was rejected today from a online dating site. One of the questions was, " What do you like in a woman?" apparently,...."my cock" was not an acceptable answer.

[Troll]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman..


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

[no1fordgirl]

Q: How much wood could a GM truck haul if a GM truck could haul wood?
A: As much as the Ford towing it.

Q. Why do Chevys have magnetized bumpers
A. To pick up the parts that fall off other Chevys

Q. How do you make a Chevy accelerate 0-60 mph in less than 15 seconds?
A. Push it off a cliff.

Q. How do you improve the appearance of a Chevy?
A. Park it between two Fords

Q. What did the Ford say to the Chevy?
A. Would you like a tow home?

Q. How can they improve the new Chevy truck?
A. Put a Ford engine in it.

Q. Why are the Chevy dealerships giving away a dog with every purchase
A. So the owners have someone to walk home with.



A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said “If you get in, I’ll give you a lollypop.” The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said “Come on and get in the car with me and I’ll give you two lolly pops.” She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said “Get in with me and I’ll give you this whole bag of lollypops!” Finally, the girl turned and said “Look daddy, YOU bought the Chevy, YOU ride in it!!!”

[pop's stang]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,
surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She
raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the
other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and
says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely....


"Are---my---test---results---back?"

[Troll]

So, this guy is driving down the road and he passes an old country store with a sign out front. It says, "TALKING DOG FOR SALE". The guy swings in the lot, he has to check this out.

Walks in, says to the store owner, what's this "talking dog" all about?
Store owner says, "He's out back. It's the yellow lab tied on the left. Go talk to him".

Guy walks out back, looks at the yellow lab and says, "Hey, you the dog that talks?"

The lab says, "Yep!"

Guy steps back and says, "Whoa, well tell me your story. What's up with you?"

Dog says, "Well, when I was a pup, they learned I could talk, so they got me a job with the CIA. I've been all over the world. They sneak me into high level meetings and nobody suspects anything. I've been the greatest spy in the world for the last eight years. I got tired of it. Decided to come back to the states, settle down and have some pups. So, here I am".

Guy is amazed. Walks back in store, says, "How much you want for that dog?"

Owner says, "10 bucks!"

Guy says, "For him? Only ten bucks? WHY?"

Owner says, "Ahh, the fvcker's a liar. He never did none of that sh1t!"

[Mater]

[no1fordgirl]

*WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .

No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.

That's what beer does...

Nevermind.

[CobraII]

Long, but it cracked me up...

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?'
'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable
Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the
dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on'!

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

[PaxtonShelby]

That would make a great storyline for National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation II !!!

[Troll]

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Pittsburgh. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her Father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a long drive." 'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

'Oh Dad,' replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington.'

'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat.' Do they serve tap beer ????

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington, I'll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States.'

The Senator whispers back, 'You bet I do.'

Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football for the Steelers."

[PaxtonShelby]

A Father buys a lie-detector Robot that slaps you when you lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper table. Father asked the son, "where were you last night?"

Son replied, "I was at the library" The robot slaps the son.

"OK I was at a friend's house, watching a movie" the son says!

The father says... "what movie?"

"Toy Story, "Robot slaps the son," OK it was porn " cried the son.

Father yells, "what? When I was your age I did not know what porn was." Robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says , "He certainly is your son." Robot slaps the mother.

[blackfive-o]

This happened at a funeral of a prominent heart surgeon, attended by numerous colleagues.

The was a large heart of flowers near the casket. At the end of the service the heart opened up, the casket slid in and the heart closed up.

Just then a man started to laugh as everyone looked at him.

He said "I was just thinking how my own funeral would be, I am a gynecologist"!

[Tony71502]

[Tony71502]

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner ? Oh deer.

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[Troll]

F1YMS died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, aku and ochint.

The three men had always done everything together.

aku arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

aku said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and aku said, 'Nope, ain't F1YMS .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought ochint in to confirm the identity of the body.

ochint looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and ochint said, 'No, it ain't F1YMS '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

ochint said, 'Well, F1YMS had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's F1YMS with them two assholes.'

[sutyak]

lol...haha...

[PaxtonShelby]

Lol!!!!!

[u1arunit]

Good one!!!!!