Funny Jokes, post em up!

**gmkillr** · 03-07-2008, 01:21 AM

Who's Your Best Friend?
If you don't know, just try this experiment to find out.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
After an hour, open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
That would be your "Best friend"

Slim and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Slim turns to Bubba and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
Next day, Slim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History and Logic.
"Logic," Slim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yup!"
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yup, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yup, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have had a wife or have a wife now... And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Slim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar.
He tells Bubba about his classes, how he signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic," Bubba says, "What's that?"
Slim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"Nope."
"Then you're a queer."

**gmkillr** · 03-07-2008, 01:26 AM

Two women were sitting together quietly.......

Subject: Southern Zoo

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in heat.
To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee
Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal
cages.
Bobby Lee, like some rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to
mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The
Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper
again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need at least another week to come up
with the $500.00."

**gmkillr** · 03-07-2008, 01:29 AM

Body: Body: An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF
BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE
WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES
BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES
WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET
SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND
BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR
VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT
YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT
THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF
LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT
DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE
AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD
FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE
WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

**gmkillr** · 03-07-2008, 01:36 AM

How many femenists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question; femenists can't change anything.

Why did the hispanic school girl get pregnant?

Her teacher told her to go do an Essay.

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands
up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in
the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood
low about his face.

"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to
restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not
to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with
her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his
hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

**gmkillr** · 03-07-2008, 01:38 AM

There are three priests and a bunch of Catholic boys in a boat. The boat begins to sink. The first priest hollars we have to save the boys. The second priest hollars phuck the boys. The third priest hollars" So you think we have time?"

**phillysrt4** · 03-07-2008, 07:42 AM

An 05-06 GTO and an 03-04 Cobra is a driver's race.

(inside joke)

**sweeney1030** · 03-07-2008, 10:30 AM

what do you call a thousand lawyers buried up to their necks in sand -- not enough sand.

**Cam99** · 03-07-2008, 11:12 AM

Originally Posted by phillysrt4

An 05-06 GTO and an 03-04 Cobra is a driver's race.

(inside joke)

05-06 Gto is a driver's race for anything, just ask a GTO owner

**phillysrt4** · 03-07-2008, 11:53 AM

Originally Posted by Cam99

05-06 Gto is a driver's race for anything, just ask a GTO owner

LOL yep!

05-06 GTO vs John force? Driver's race

**no1fordgirl** · 03-08-2008, 12:10 PM

A woman met a man in a bar.
They talked; they connected; they ended up leaving together.
They got back to his place and he showed her around his apartment.

She noticed that one wall of his bedroom was completely filled with soft, sweet cuddly teddy bears.

There were three shelves in the bedroom filled with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange all of them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears all along the middle shelf and huge gigantic bears on the top shelf.

She found it surprising for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.

She was quite impressed with his sensitive side, but didn't say anything to him.

They shared a bottle of wine and continued talking and after a while, she found herself thinking "Oh My God, this guy could be the one! Maybe this guy could be the future father of my children!"

She turned to him and kissed him lightly on the lips.
He repsonded warmly.

They continued to kiss, the passion increased and he romantically lifted her into his arms and carried her to his bedroom where they ripped off each other's clothes and made hot steamy love.

She was so overwhelmed that she responded with more passion, more creativity and more heat than she had ever known.

After an intense explosive nightof raw passion with this sensitive guy, they were lying there together in the afterglow.

She rolled over, gently stroked his chest and asked coyly, "Well how was it?"

The guy gently smiled at her, stroked her cheek, looked deeply into her eyes and said ...

"HELP YOURSELF TO ANY PRIZE FROM THE MIDDLE SHELF"

**no1fordgirl** · 03-08-2008, 12:12 PM

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far away from humanity as possible.

He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and saw a huge, bearded man standing there.

Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.

'Great', said Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Lars was leaving, he stopped. 'Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin.'

'Not a problem' said Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'

Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again,' said Tom.

'More'n likely be some wild sex too' Lars added.

'Now that's really not a problem' said Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.'

**no1fordgirl** · 03-08-2008, 12:15 PM

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're
next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

**no1fordgirl** · 03-08-2008, 12:17 PM

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read :
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10!

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!

The bishop was buried the next day.

**no1fordgirl** · 03-08-2008, 12:18 PM

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

Mommy fainted!

**no1fordgirl** · 03-08-2008, 12:20 PM

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.

I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you
came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked
your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything
that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or
you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S Don't try to find me. Your SISTER, Carla and I are moving away to
West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a
good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much
because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that
doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that
my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought
us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling
life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures
you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

**65 Fastback** · 03-08-2008, 12:24 PM

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"

**no1fordgirl** · 03-08-2008, 12:24 PM

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon, "he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!

**no1fordgirl** · 03-08-2008, 12:27 PM

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"

**65 Fastback** · 03-08-2008, 12:29 PM

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

**65 Fastback** · 03-08-2008, 12:29 PM

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".